The Best and Worst Valentine's Day Gifts of 2017


Bacon Flavored Lubricant Here at, we have a tradition of listing off the absolute worst things you could get your partner for Valentine’s Day every year. We sell a lot of products that would be pretty terrible to receive as a gift from someone who supposedly loves you, and we know you’ll find the idea as funny as we do. But this year, we wanted to try something different: pointing out our items that would make the best Valentine’s Day gifts, too. So whether you want to deepen your love or jeopardize it this Valentine’s Day, this is the gift guide for you.

The Best Valentine’s Day Gifts For Men

  • The Cock Sling: A vibrating cock ring is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom, and he’ll love the pleasurable new sensations its vibrations bring - as will you! This is a gift you can both enjoy.
  • Prostate Training Kit: He might not admit it, but secretly, every guy has wondered about prostate stimulation. Now you can tell him to stop wondering and see for himself what amazing new orgasms are just around the corner.
  • Bacon Flavored Lube: Guys love bacon. Guys love sex. Need we say more? We didn’t think so.
The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts For Men
  • Our Best Back Hair Shaver: Contrary to popular belief, the phrases “I love you” and “You have a hairy back” are not, in fact, synonymous.
  • Fart Extinguisher: As a gag gift at a bachelor party, this is a funny thing to receive. As a token of affection from your significant other on Valentine’s Day? Not so much.
  • Erection Assist Strap-On: Because the only that could wound a guy’s pride more than hearing he’s hairy or smelly is telling him that his erection needs an “assist.” Ouch.
The Best Valentine’s Day Gifts For Women
  • Remote Control Vibrating Panties: Maybe she wants to spice things up in the bedroom by giving you control over her pleasure, or maybe she has an adventurous side and wants to brave these panties’ vibrations out in public - either way, she’ll love the sensual new possibilities these vibrating panties open up.
  • The Tongue Dinger: Oral sex is just about the best gift you can get a woman on Valentine’s Day. You want to know what’s an even better gift? Oral sex when your tongue’s been turned into a vibrator.
  • The Romance Vibrator: The nature of modern relationships implies that you probably won’t always be there when she gets in the mood, so why not give her a little something to make sure she can always enjoy herself? The Romance is one of our quietest and strongest vibrators, and with a name like that, you’ll never be far from her mind.
The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts For Women
  • The Magic Stick Vaginal Tightener: Because there are no two more romantic words you can utter to a woman than “loose vagina.” Yeahhh, try again.
  • Bring It Up Breast Lifts: Yeah, shockingly, “saggy boobs” aren’t much better as a verbal aphrodisiac.
  • Anal Bleaching Cream: Well, on the bright side, at least she won’t know what exactly you’re trying to say by giving her this. “You have a dark butthole?” She won’t be able to figure out whether that’s insulting or not. Of course, that doesn’t mean you’ll be in any less trouble for giving her this.