Top Ten Scary Sex Toys

With Halloween approaching, it’s time to talk about the world’s scariest sex toys. ShopInPrivate.com carries pretty much anything you can think of that you would be embarrassed to buy in person, so it is only natural that we carry some pretty weird sex toys. Behold, the sex toys nightmares are made of:

• Aneros Prostate Butt Plug
  It’s the truth: no man wants you to put things in his butt. Unless you promise to never, ever tell his friends about it.
  
  
• Advanced Clit Pump
  The idea of applying intense suction to a teeny tiny spot that houses 8,000 nerve endings: scarier than the clown in Steven King’s It. Plus, what if you pump your poor clit too much and it ends up being bigger than your boyfriend’s penis? Buzzkill.
  
  
• Hot Snatch
  If your pocket pussy isn’t warm and lifelike enough, maybe you should try a real, live vagina. Just a thought. Can you imagine if you had roommates and you accidentally left your Hot Snatch in the microwave?
  
  
• The Governor
  The Governor is a stainless steel butt plug that weighs eight pounds. It is eight inches long and almost FOUR INCHES WIDE. It’s supposed to be a replica of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s fist as he sinks into metal in Terminator 2. Talk about getting screwed by the man.
  
  
• Football Stroker
  What’s scarier than losing your husband’s heart and soul to football season? Losing his penis too.
  
  
• Heeldo
  If there’s a single person in this world you trust enough to allow to bang you with the dildo strapped to their foot ... yeah, you still shouldn’t let them do it.
  
  
• Glow In the Dark Personal Lubricant
  We can’t tell if the packaging on this lubricant is a big joke or not. Non-toxic? Natural? What, is it made of lightning bugs? Glow-in-the-Dark personal lubricant seems like the first step on the path to a mutant-strain vaginal infection.
  
  
• Anal Tightening Gel
  It’s pretty scary to think about the kind of anus that needs tightening. If it needs tightening, things are probably falling out of it. And when I say things, I mean poop.
  
  
• Inflatable Butt Plug
  Who knows when you might need to, you know, expand your rectum. If you’re planning on dressing up as a drug mule for Halloween, the Swell Guy is a wonderful way to prepare.
  
  
• The Great American Challenge
  Let’s imagine you hear the words “Great American Challenge” without knowing the context. What would you think of? A hot dog eating contest? A show like “Survivor,” where contestants are pitted against each other in a battle of the fittest? Or maybe, like the makers of this vibrating dong, you imagine the biggest dildo ever constructed. Congratulations, there’s something wrong with you.
  
  

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