The Worst Valentine's Day Gifts 2018

Want to get your lover an absolutely perfect gift this Valentine’s Day? Something deeply personal that speaks to their heart, their mind, and their eternal soul? Something that shows them that you’re meant to be together forever?

Sorry, you’re shit out of luck and you’ve come to the wrong place. We have no idea how to help you with that one. What we CAN help you with is picking out the absolute WORST Valentine’s gifts for your partner! If, instead of spending the rest of your lives together, you don’t want to spend a single second longer with that special person, these are the gifts you want to give. Trust us: when it comes to utterly embarrassing and inappropriate things you can buy for people, we’re the experts. Here are ShopInPrivate.com’s 10 Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts of 2018.

The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts for Men

5. Men’s Edible Underwear: I know what you’re thinking: that actually doesn’t sound like a bad gift, right? Everybody always needs underwear, and this edible pair could mean sexy times in the bedroom for the two of you. It could... if it didn’t taste awful and stain your teeth. Thanks but no thanks.

4. Pheromone Cologne: This is a great one to give if you’re planning on breaking up with him. It’s an elegant cologne with notes of citrus that says, “You’re going to need all the help you can get finding someone else once I dump your ass!”

3. Stud 100 Desensitizing Spray: To really turn him off, give him this subtle suggestion that he doesn’t last long enough in bed. That’s sure to really get the sparks flying. Flying far, far away from you.

2. Electro Crush Ball Press: This one kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? There’s no romantic gesture quite as powerful as threatening his family jewels with two separate and types of pain simultaneously.

1. Erection Assist Strap-On: This wound be the ultimate insult for a guy to receive, in our opinion. If you gave him male enhancement pills or a penis pump, you’d be saying, “I wish your penis was longer and harder.” But if you give him this, you’re saying, “I wish you had a completely different penis.” See the difference? If you want his pride to be irreparably damaged, this is the #1 worst valentine’s day gift for men.

The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts for Women

5. Acryline Denture Reliner: This is just a weird one. It’s not going to directly piss her off or offend her, but it is going to leave her very, very confused. If she doesn’t have dentures, why are you getting her this? If she does, why at Valentine’s Day, of all times?

4. Fun Cup Menstrual Cups: Guys, you might not quite understand this since you’ve never experienced it, but I can promise you: regulating her heavy flow is the last thing she wants to be thinking about when romance is in the air.

3. Zip Wax Hair Remover: I have it on good authority that “Sasquatch” is a pet name all women love to be called. Try giving her this body hair wax as a gift and calling her that for a one-two punch of affection.

2. Magic Stick Vaginal Tightener: Go on. Tell her she has a loose vagina. We dare you.

1. Sasha Grey’s Pocket Pussy: The only gift you could give her that would be worse than something to “improve” her own vagina would be a replica of an entirely different vagina. Let alone a porn star’s. If you’re trying to make her leave you and possibly (probably) kick you in the balls, this is the gift.