How to Choose a Male Masturbator

I know what you're asking yourself, citizen. How would Mister Private know anything about male masturbators? Doesn't he have a lovely, beautiful, gorgeous wife, Mrs. Private? Well, Mister Private knows much about many things, and even a superhero has needs. Those long lonely nights out on patrol can turn to long lonely weeks or even long lonely months if there is a great deal of evil afoot. Without going into too much detail, just trust me that male masturbators are one of the many things that Mister Private knows all about.

The first thing you have to ask yourself when choosing a male masturbator is how much money you want to spend. On the low end of the spectrum, price primarily affects the quality of the materials, which in turn affects how good it feels. But if you're willing to spend a small fortune (which I hope you didn't accrue by robbing a bank, because if you did, I will find you!), there are some extra features that you can get. One of the higher end products we offer is the Seduce Me Scarlet Doll, which is a realistic recreation of a female torso, complete with 36DD breasts, a vagina, and an anus, all three of which can be used to masturbate.

But not everyone is as wealthy as Bruce Wayne, and chances are you don't need anything that fancy anyways. A much more standard priced option is the Fleshlight, the longstanding most popular male masturbator in the world. It gets its name from the fact that it looks like a flashlight, but never make the mistake of putting it in your utility belt when you go patrolling at night. I know a… friend… who did that once, and he fell down an open manhole. It might not illuminate anything, but it is a high quality, highly pleasurable male masturbator, and there's a reason its fame is as world renown as me.

There are even cheaper options, though, which can still get the job done with ease. Another popular product is the Chanel St. James Pocket Pussy, which is one of the best valued masturbatory aids we offer. You could go even cheaper, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it.

There are also male masturbators at various price levels designed to specifically simulate the mouth, anus, or even the hands, to meet any of your wishes and desires. If you have more exotic tastes or are just looking for something different, another option is a glow-in-the-dark male masturbator. And if you need to dispose of all evidence, there's the disposable male masturbator, though if you do that, I'm going to have my eye on you, because disposing of evidence is something criminals do. Okay, I won't literally have my eye on you. Especially while you're using it. Can you imagine me, Mister Private, violating your privacy like that? Maybe if this were the Bizarro World. But here in our world, I will keep fighting to protect your privacy day and night, and helping you determine what the best products are to suit all your private needs.